This would not have happened if this city wasn’t suffocating him!
This is what Arif Sahab said when the news of Asim Butt’s death reached him. It was still early morning, hardly 12 yet, and the news was received with shock!
It has been a while now, since Asim left his friends! I wasn’t one of them, but I had met him. Polite exchange of pleasantries had taken place between us whenever we met!
This is why it feels awkward for me to even try to say that last night somehow I understood what he did and why he did it! I understood somehow why he would have decided to take things in his own hands!
I wish I could say that the realization came to me in an epiphany, but it was instead a result of my own depressive phase that seems to have taken hold of me recently!
The reason for this has been the constant realization of the fact that I am becoming more and more of an outsider, and thus I no longer fit anywhere!
You are stuck in the middle of nowhere, and no one even bothered sticking a road map up your hand even before shooing you off! And now you are lost, and confused and sometimes, even when you try really hard you end up admitting to yourself, very quietly, in an inaudible whisper that you are inafact lonely! That you are all alone!
You don’t fit in with the religious because they think you are too “open”, “modern”, and other adjectives. Besides, you realized long ago that you can’t ever even fit into their narrow minded conceptions of the world.
And you don’t fit in with the liberals, because you are not yet ready to completely piss at the morals that you have grown up with, which for them only means that you are too “conservative”, “too uptight”, “in the closet muslim”, etc.
And they both shoo you away, without even bothering to stick a road map up your freaking ass! And then you realize you have no one around you! You are all alone!
You feel like no one understands you!
So where is one to go? Where is one to go, where they would be understood!
You need to run away, you need a break, an escape, you need to stop feeling like you are alone and hurting from inside all the time, because honestly you don’t want to be so alone, so miserable!
But what can you do? You can’t stop being yourself? Because if you stop being yourself, then you would be, for sure, completely defeated!
And no matter what happens, you won’t ever let that happen!
Screw everyone! You would stay alone! But you would never change yourself!
Did Asim fell the same way as he lied down at night? Did he feel alone? Did he really have no space to vent out? To just go and scream his heart out? He was hushed away by the right.. noo.. he hushed them away.. he would have told them to go to hell…he would not have fit in with them.
He didn’t belong with the bourgeoise, because what he was trying to do was for the public, but did they understand him? What if even the very people he was trying to make art for failed to understand him? Where do you go then?
Is that the only end left for you then? Is the only way out? The only way to vent out! To finally feel like you are in control!
I don’t even know why I am writing all this.. the words just seem to be coming out tonight!
I don’t mean to hurt anyone by these words.. But if I have I apologize!
Asim, you are still being missed by everyone!